It can feel very cruel to set boundaries and do what you need to do for yourself when it feels like your partner is suffering, but the accommodations are just very temporary band-aids. Just because some of the people in that culture are ok with it doesnt mean its magically not controlling behavior because its culture/religion. If youre not going during SXSW or Austin City Limits, you can get hotel rooms consistently for less than $200 in Austin. As someone who also suffers from anxiety and irrational fears about my partners safety, this is such a kind response and vivid description of how (otherwise) reasonable people can become unreasonable. She should set a boundary around this type of thing because it gets out of hand. Conflict resolution. Not like us isnt automatically the same thing as toxic.. If your partner has been in therapy for years and isnt making progress, its very possible that their therapist doesnt have the full picture. Thanks for your thoughtful self-awareness. Regardless of whether the husband is trying to control you, or whether he is merely unable to overcome devastating anxiety, the effect is the same: You need to keep your job and live your life like a normal person, either so you can support him in recovering from this anxiety (pay for counseling, health insurance, treatment) or so you can escape what may very well be an abusive situation. I actually agree that the comment section here can jump to that explanation a little too quickly and without anything in the letter to support it, but they arent in hysterics about it. I didnt sign up for this. The part about staying on the same team is so, so key, and I hope the OPs husband approaches this as thoughtfully as you have. Well, yeah, it has a bad rep, that they intentionally, though jokingly, promote with the What happens in Vegas and Sin City marketing campaigns. Shopping! Yeah, support common technique, but we dont know what we dont know, till we know it. I understand where youre coming from, but this board sees people from all over the world, and there are still lots of places and lots of religious/cultural environments where patriarchal/masculine control/policing of womens behavior/assuming the worst of women is absolutely the norm, and there are enough of them scattered around everywhere that I dont think its a case of not everyone can have sandwiches.. Pricey, but worth it! If your husband doesnt trust you to handle three days sitting in conference rooms in Las Vegas with your coworkers, thats a fundamental relationship problem. OP, I believe that professional help figuring out what exactly is going on (including ruling in or ruling out a medical cause like primary anxiety or OCD) and getting professional treatment based on that, is the best first step for you here. You cant expect someone with a broken leg to ski down a mountain; you cant expect someone in an irrational state of fear to behave in a reasonable manner *in the moment*. Clearly youve been abducted. My husband of 23 years has never objected to any business trips Ive taken (not even the week-long trip to the Bahamas when our daughter was 8 months old), so Im chiming in to say that whats going on with your husband is super abnormal in my experience. She would step into the hallway during the conference and ask what he wanted, and he would say he wanted to make sure she was where she was supposed to be. And I do like some gambling. The letter writers last trip was in February and the manager from the other thread wrote to Alison in the beginning of March, which would be right after she got back from this Vegas trip and told her boss she would no longer travel. It is in some Nevada counties, but not Clark County (which includes Vegas.) Therapy is really personal, and a bad fit or burnt-out therapist can be worse than no therapist at all. The kidnaps, cheating, etc etc that COULD happen in Vegas (with about as much chance as being struck by lightning) are all just scare tactics to convince YOU to stay home and desire his protection from the big, bad world. And voila- you're on the coast! Grownups dont treat other grownups like this unless they are fundamentally abusive. As a side note to all of this, I watched the original CSI religiously for about 8 years, and had never been to Vegas (no easy opportunity and not really my thing). Couples therapy, NOW, to sort out this huge red flag. Dont let his fear poison that for you, it wont end well for your happiness or well being. I want to push back, snark, in case anyone else reading sees your comment and decides that couples isnt a good course of action because the issue is with one person in the couple. Co-worker had a wonderful time. thats the strangest technique Ive ever heard of to try and get back together with someone. My own brain is like that. All rights reserved. I dont worry about it because why would i? Your friend is a wise woman. (I lost 30 pounds not eating while she was away, and we both shed lots of tears at TSA seeing her off) Now, new project, wife just did 12 days in Portland just saw her off for 3 days planning there for another two week project there. At the time, we had 3 kids and they were around 5, 3, and 18 months. Its one of my spa vacation destinations. Because someone whos having this kind of anxiety is going to get worse, not better if they do nothing to address the underlying issue. He mad at my company and questions the motives. I speak as someone whose husband is both a counselor and anxiety-sufferer. You definitely need counseling, and he may need his own as well. Nothing magical about Vegas. Its a constant negotiation and balancing act. (As a sidenote: my mom has been able to do with with my dad a few times when her travel schedule gets crazy. Nail on head, right here. For heavent sake dont say it to him; dont want to give him any ideas. Also by facing the problem together wife will know what steps he need she to do to get better on this/call him out if he isnt doing it. Sure within reason. The duration of the vacation. Main Menu This is NOT putting a judgement on those activities, but all of them can and do carry a pretty significant risk load (money spent, possible diseases, lost time, etc) and thats why in general, society rates them as vices. Im so glad I made that choice. It doesnt seem like he has much ability to manage his own emotionshes unloading them on you to manage insteadand thats a skill all adults should learn, I think. There is no amount of structuring my life that would have kept me from feeling anxious. In a healthy marriage, there is no spouse v. spouse, and theres room for career, hobbies, friends, etc. You could likely even say to a bystander, hey something is weird here, and they would help you. He needs to manage his insecurities and not force them all on you and your career. The reason companies go there is because theres big convention centers and lots of cheap flights. This is a great space to write long text about your company and your services. It turned out that this was part of a larger problem he would call her every ten minutes at her desk at work too, and if she didnt answer, he would have her paged over the intercom. So anything that could be perceived poorly at their church is not allowed. If you feel a message or content violates these standards and would like to request its removal please submit the following information and our moderating team will respond shortly. Nevertheless, couples therapy is ALSO necessary, because this is something that affects them as a couple and that they need to manage as a couple, even though the main onus is on him for managing his fears or whatever other issues he has. Thats pretty seriously delusional thinking. I took a look at the menu for Gordon Ramsays burger place and almost stroked out. What if he dies? She needs to act on whats happening, and then maybe delve into the why with AAMs excellent advice. But its a pretty serious one-off. Couples counselling isnt about sharing blame as it is figuring out problems in the relationship and working together to find solutions. In either case, I should have ended it. Whereas in reality, I just hope that this will be the time when Im on the subway at 1am and it wont be too crowded to get a seat. As sinful as it gets, I tell ya! And so on. with his friends, not you. Shed never thought about it because shed only seen the Strip depictions. When I was there, I went to museums, saw a few shows, visited a shopping centerall during the day (except the shows) and safe. I also dont think cultural relativity is relevant when OP is clearly uncomfortable with his behaviour. I was fine, nothing weird happened to me, but I wont stay off strip again. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy. The following photos show exactly what can go wrong when you try to take a family photo. For me, the issues here are 1) input from friends is useful to inform ones own feelings, not make demands of ones partner by committee, and 2) ultimately, the person most affected by the demands is in the best position to make the right judgment call. we can all agree that either way, Husband isnt likely to change his behaviour without some outside intervention, so I do hope that counselling is an option for them. Even if he does have some kind of anxiety disorder, he needs to recognize that this behavior isnt reasonable in a relationship, and marriage counseling is a great way to work out problems in a relationship. It is okay for you to make normal daily choices even if your husband feels anxious about them. I wouldnt be surprised if it were like 2 people. Thats exactly what Im doing right now too and it will be so much better when I dont have to justify the work trip to my husband and I dont have to pander to his unfounded insecurities. This is a question for a marriage counselor and/or individual therapist. And shes the main provider in the family? But they are the obvious two and also both hot-button topics on this forum. In Amish country. And she would always schedule conferences for her small business in Vegas, for the exact reasons you listed. And Id add that theres a difference between (unwarranted) demands rooted in irrational fears, and those rooted in control/trust issues. Im trying not to bring up the topic for awhile till he meets with a counselor individually or together. Ignore your phone for the rest of the trip, do not let him pester you or hog time soothing him when you should be doing work stuff. I'd hate for you to miss out because of the trip! Be very very wary of ever harming your career or earning potential because of the desires of another person. Yeah. Honestly the greatest threat to LWs safety is probably lung cancer from second-hand smoke in the casinos. I did manage to save the relaionship (even though Mothers anxiety never went away; be prepared for that too) I truly hope that you can save your relationship with your spose, OP. It was BAD. I made this comment on the most recent one of those! Period. Right? simple path graph example; tahoe blue vodka costco; emt patient assessment cheat sheet pdf Alternar men. The place is set up for meetings and conferences, has so many airline and flight options, plenty of cabs/Lyfts/Ubers, and staff at the facilities has run into every possible issue that can crop up. Good luck and enjoy the trip. Nikada / iStock. From my experience with family members with these issues, I needed to learn how to help create a healing environment at home. This feels partly like a reputation versus reality thing, like New York City a decade or so back, when I kept telling people to stop worrying about crime when they were planning a visit to the safest large city in the country. First, thank you so much for sharing your insight. You shouldnt be in a position to chose your career (which has very normal career expectations) and your marriage (which seems to have some very not normal expectations). But I do agree that its extremely possible the OPs husband is, consciously or unconsciously, skewing the results in his favor. If his problem is that his marriage doesnt look the way a marriage is supposed to look (and lets get real here we absolutely do NOT have enough information to be as sure as you are) then a good marriage counselor can help him to readjust his notions. My Husband Didn't Want Me to Go on Vacation With His Family. Charleston. Im not a fan of Las Vegas (i.e., cigarette smoke, gambling, drinking), but many (perhaps all?) This happens to me at the worst times, like when Im walking home in the evening or when Im doing chores alone around the house I get this feeling like im starting in the opening sequence of whatever creepy procedural I was watching. I go on business trips. I posted above about his great and powerful They. The Everybody who agrees with him. Yeah, my husband takes business trips to Vegas multiple times a year. One thing I will mention about Vegas is that yes, like anywhere else, things can happen in regards to safety, but that city is so patrolled. If all else fails OP can blame in on an alien abduction. You can add it up to four. All of Nevadas legal brothels are in rural areas. Yes, they pay for his airfare and, if necessary, the difference in the hotel room rate and they dont spend that much time together, but they spend *some* time together and are at least getting to see each other for some part of the day.). Whats real is my wife is going for a walk in a safe area, shes smart and wouldnt put herself in danger, and the chances of anything happening to her are incredibly low. Of course, this is all conjecture. Same here. Has heever done this before with other people inhis life? That doesnt mean I believe totally that hubby polled everybody and reports the results fairly, but it really doesnt have to be an indication that he ignored a local majority to find like-minded people. Also conferences in Vegas are soul-crushingly awful and boring. What if the wife had a job that required lots of travel, but paid well and allowed them to live a good lifestyle. He thinks it's going to be too difficult. Much better is Lundy Bancrofts Why does he do that?. But Im not lazy I just love my wife and after 8 yrs of marriage Im worried shes bored with me. Based on the way anxiety distorts reality and actual risk, I could easily not allow my children to participate in things or have small measures of independence. As to the question of WHY businesses have meetings in Las Vegas, its because the hospitality industry there gets it. On the other hand, the OP could surely use some help in setting some reasonable boundaries and communicating as effectively as possible in the circumstances. this makes me IRATE. And perversely its a lot SAFER than other big cities, because there are eyes everywhere, all the time. Its often fine to bring spouses on work trips, but I definitely think she shouldnt bring him in this situation. I suspect LWs husband doesnt *really* believe she will be kidnapped in Las Vegas. (And hes questioning the motives of the company in having the trip in the first place? Im talking a hotel on Wall Street, just a block or two from the NYSE, and one literally around the corner from the White House. The best way to stay up-to-date would be to regularly check the Official Disney Parks Blog . Right!? I trust my wife but I dont trust a lot of strange people. Context does not change would into wouldnt. But I believe that talking it out in clear terms is step one, at least. A Crappy Vacation Told Me My Marriage Was Really Over - Scary Mommy But I suspect if I went for leisure, Id be bored out of my ever-loving mind. Sometimes folks with untreated anxiety hear what they want to hear. The number of dudes who felt the need to tell me how unsafe my backpacking around Europe with my best friend was was pretty high. In most normal partnerships where you have shared responsibilities its not so much asking permission, as its checking in to make sure spouse doesnt need you For anything at that time. Absolutely. Agreed. and a lot to it more than the Strip. Or I can save you the time and point out that I characterized him as jealous and controlling, and never used the word yall seem determined to stick in my mouth. Does he not control other things about your life OP? He is just jealous that he cant get off work and go with me! Yes, this could actually be what he really is freaking out about, in my experience. This is a relationship problem, not a work problem. Agreed! It seems infinitely more likely that what they actually said was yeah man, that sucks, I dont know why she wouldve broken up with you as sympathy and he took it that way, but either way, you dont date by committee! Best of luck to you. I might go if it were for a show I wanted to see that I couldnt attend anywhere else, or if I had to go for work. Unless therapy can move him beyond this pathetic lack of respect for either her or confidence in his own worth, this is a nightmare of a lifetime to contemplate. He might be in some kind of internet echo chamber, like one of the misogynist subreddits, and all the guys in there told him Shes totes just going there to have sex with random dudes! because thats the way those corners of the internet are. Omg that sounds so much like my mom. Its a slippery slope when someone starts demanding changes to accommodate their objections to acceptable societal norms. Either hes lying, or hes manipulating these conversations so he hears only what he wants, or you guys need saner friends.