Um please feel free to disregard teh account representative, that may have been for something else haha. And the man? Jimmy and Susie are in love. Month later, Lady finds out shes preggers. She will be lucky to have 50% of the day care costs alone paid for*. So, if she opted for an abortion and he was furious with her for not keeping the baby, would he be scum? It was definitely his decision too. Have whatever sex you want. Men AND women have walked away from children. ColorsOfTheWind I am pro-choice, for both woman and for men. Have you ever been in a fling for a good amount of time -- maybe even half a year . You are feeling particularly aggressive or bold. Guy Friday ! Two. I agree people who are dysfunctional should not stay together for the sake of the kid it will just make things worse. I do plan to stay on my birth control because having a period every month doesnt sound like loads of fun after only having 4 a year for so long. T he mystery of Tom's sudden baby endured until several years ago when I looked him up on Facebook. Lets start a familyyou know, if the condom doesnt work. Is the same thing going through a womans mind when she decides to have sex? But even though I led you to think I didnt want to become pregnant, Im going to keep the baby and thereby obligate you to two decades of child support, is, while totally within her rights, still a massive breach of the pre-coital understanding, express and implied, between the parties. 3. April 9, 2012, 11:40 am. I almost lost the fingers on my right hand from it. I dont think the LW can handle a relationship where another woman has her mans child. I didnt mean to imply it wasnt true, it just unfortunately isnt enforceable. Again, this was the perfect time to walk away, and end it with him. At which point, no matter what form the chastisement comes, feminists are going to be looking for REAL men..and not finding them. bittergaymark She refused to listen. Actually, pulling out has a 4% failure rate versus 2% for condoms for perfect use. I know it is hard since you love this guy to see how reprehensible he is. But anyway, in case its not fake if this guy isnt lying about only knowing this woman for two minutes then yeah, shes an idiot for wanting to keep the baby. Yeah, but theres a lot of harshness toward the LW as well. During the time we both were studying for the bar, we were on a break. lets_be_honest SpaceySteph Yet when it came to her most recent boyfriend, John . SpaceySteph There is a certain degree of sadness in all of this, yes, but Ive turned out far better than my friends whose fathers have been unable to make up their minds one way or another about parenthood. We need to rebuild our trust, but I cant trust the situation because he cheated on me with her. God, Im so glad someone else thought of that word when reading this letter because Ive used that word exactly three times in my life as an insult, and yet I couldnt quit thinking it. This baby will need a dad, not just a check, and if he can walk away from this child he can walk away from you just as easily. This is your CHILD. However, hey, feel free to pretend its still 2000 BC. The choice to get pregnant was mutual. Remember awhile back there was the letter about the girl who had an abortion and was scared to tell her bf because he was anti-abortion. I would MUCH rather this guy walk away now then be stuck with a screaming baby he doesnt care for and end up throwing it off a bridge. The problem is not the other woman, the problem is your man and how you are responding to everything. Yeah, Im with you, pretty much on all counts. It's painful to witness when you're still in love with a person, but one of the most common reasons why a person would jump into a new relationship right after a breakup is to mask the pain of it all. And there are many things that can happen that make it even less effective, like forgetting a pill, taking antibiotics, etc. "Cry, vent and . While I stand by my statements about this woman being a total idiot, etc., and the fact that I dont think anyone was calling him scum for having sex with someone after he broke up with his girlfriend, I will say that I agree with the idea that its unfair for guys that they have no say in keeping or aborting but will be on the hook for child support even if they wanted the mother to have an abortion. Meaning, a woman SHOULD ask the guy who knocked her up what he would like. Thats all well and good except it didnt happen and now theyre in this situation. April 9, 2012, 4:59 pm, FancyPants So people got together, decided coke is in the best position to pay if its bottles explode and there you are. How many times have we read articles like that and think to ourselves couldnt you have just left the baby with family or at the hospital rather than kill it.. i thought that was a bit harsh as well although her anger is unjustified, shes actually just reacting the same way 99% of people would do in that same situation. Also, it delights me that you base your assumptions on general human behavior on the Jerry Springer Show. iseeshiny My Spidey sense is tingling that this could be a fake. When I was on the pill, my ex boyfriend STILL used condoms to make sure it was safe. but all those prominent male politicians usually turn out to be gay and not hetero at all.. bittergaymark If the childs mother fully intends to love and support and care for her child, and explain to him/her that their biological fathers lack of desire to be a dad or deficits has nothing to do with him/her that child will grow up no worse for wear. April 9, 2012, 7:11 pm. Run like the wind. Gain some maturity and realize that you have no part in this decision, shes decided to keep the baby, shes the one who will be carrying the baby, raising the baby, etc Grow up LW and dump him. There is an obvious reason why we are all pretty damn sure he didnt use a condom For starters, itd have been the big leading point of the letter He so doesnt know how this happened! Well, there are more than a million people who have been unexpectedly pregnant in this country, so arguably those risks are higher. She doesnt tell the waiter that she has a peanut allergy, because she assumes that simply ordering a dish without peanuts in it will protect her. Whatever. April 10, 2012, 5:35 pm. He apologized for not telling me sooner. But I dont see anything in the letter that means he must be.. Second, after all this talk of how disgusting he was for supposedly not using a condom, not knowing her all that long, etc., why no talk about this woman doing the exact same thing (number it takes to tango = 2) and having to deal with the consequences? And if this woman buys that line, shes a moron too. That fact just rubs me the wrong way. Now, yes, people will say: Forgive him. I mean, I know guys are suppose to stick up for guys, but come on.. John Rohan Jimmy has made his choice. You have no idea what youre talking about, with regard to child support. You really have no idea what child support means. Only it is the LW who seems intent on absolving the boyfriend from all responsibility saying furious. He sounds self-entitled, immature, arrogant, an all around horrible person. Any 40 year old man thats in the habit of jumping into bed with a woman who claims shes on BC after knowing her for 2 min is so dirty, Id be afraid to touch him much less get back in a relationship with him. In the long run, US ends up with what I like to refer to as the Feminist Mystake. April 9, 2012, 1:28 pm. Your choice. Youre right Leroy- the really crazy, dramatic ones are the minority and I tend to ignore them as well. ESSENCE.com is part of ESSENCE Communications, Inc. Close to $1,000 and thats for a shitty one. Our resident male troll is back and defending his gender. You are upset that someone read browbeat into the word ask but you have no problem making up a whole conversation in your head in the same breath no less even though the LW was explicit. 17. There was a reason for that. Except I acknowledged that was guesswork on my part. Have you noticed how people sometimes own up to having unprotected sex, but its always when they didnt get pregnant? He is doing alot better. In most cases a child has been brought into the world consensually, and so both parents should be obligated to support that child. I must be in the minority because oral sex is a regular part of sex btw my husband and I and Id definitely miss it if it wasnt. female All we know is that she wants to have the baby- maybe because shes prepared to be a wonderful parent. Bow out gracefully and give him the space he doesnt know he needs to get his life together. WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, LW? But were here to offer advice to LW, so I say evanscr05 is right: Dump this loser, yesterday. I think what you are trying to explain are the two types of custodyover the person and over decision making for the person. April 9, 2012, 12:16 pm. Trap Red Flag #1. I would love, just ONCE on this site, for one of the male commenters to address shitty man behavior. Any woman who, in a divorce, grants custody of the children to the father is an immature asshole, and any woman who spends her life in her career an allows the father to raise the children is an immature asshole, because, in each of those cases, the woman is just as guilty of abdicating the role of parent as the guy here would be, and in many of them, she also doesnt even provide financial support. You two seems very good at twisting everyones words, and then getting mad at those people for it. Oh, me too! I totally understand. Have an abortion or Ill be furious = Have fries with that or Ill be furious > Psycho. Women have two- before sex, and after they find out theyre pregnant. April 9, 2012, 3:42 pm. Their choice, honey. When its the woman who will suffer the consequences, its the woman who should be vigilant. But I think shes tried to trap him and hes untrappable.. I know youve been in a tough situation and the fact that you and your daughter came out of it the amazingly awesome people you are shows that all a kid needs is an amazing mother who wants to provide for her kid at whatever cost to herself. SweetsAndBeats Not me. He wasnt in a relationship with the LW at that time, and had no expectation that they would get back together. I try t,o help because I remember when I was young. LADIES he could stand her. Case in point: my mother was mentally ill, verbally and physically abusive, and vindictive enough to hurt my siblings and I just to spite my father, and she STILL got joint custody. Since there is no way to guarantee pregnancy wont occur aside from proof of sterility, this righteous DW anger would likely be aimed at any man who didnt end up wanting the child (no matter what precautions had been taken), likely by the same people whod turn red in the face about any story where a man was forcibly stopping someone from getting an abortion. It is duplicated below. He cant be irresponsible and fail to take every reasonable effort to avoid pregnancy (doubling up on BC and using condoms, getting a vasectomy, or only having sex with women he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt also do not want to bring children into the world), and then act surprised and angry when it happens anyways. He does have a responsibility towards this baby, whether he likes it or not. That support is not hers. Its not a comparable situation at all. Then, after giving him an ultimatum to get it together or lose you, you felt it best to move away and hoped he would run after you. Im quite late to the discussion, but I took a lot of time reading over the comments, trying to make sense of the two sides of the argument at hand. reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): A my boyfriend & i have been together for over 2 years (2y 5m to be exact) & i found out i was pregnant about a month ago & at the time i must've been maybe about 2-3 weeks pregnant. You should be furious with him and dump his ass! BGM- multiple people disagreeing with you is not necessarily a sign of needless solidarity that makes you sound paranoid. The fact that the courts have found that men should be obligated to support mistakes is motivated by a desire to secure the welfare of the child. I think this would cut down on a LOT of baby mama drama with regards to accusations of women getting pregnant on purpose or trapping me with a baby. Because no matter how much we feminists on here hate that bullshit, it DOES happen. The father would divorce himself from the child and any obligations to the mother. We all know breakups are painful. He didnt want a baby? You may not agree with it, but the laws are such that he is obligated to raise the possible resulting child and/or pay for that child for a couple of decades, if she decides not to terminate the pregnancy. 6napkinburger I think its pretty unfair that women have the choice to abort or not, and the man gets no say in that, not really. IF men want to engage in condomless sex and want a choice (which women DONt have btw, we dont TELL our bodies when we want our eggs fertilized and when we dont, I WISH we could that would be such an intelligent design feature!) April 9, 2012, 5:19 pm, Its easy to think the guy is a scumbag for not wanting to be a dad. Here 13 common reasons guys start missing and try to go back to their ex. And how do you know you wouldnt do the same thing she is? What I see is a huge surge of anger at the guy and all sorts of reflections on what type of person he must be, and relatively little anger towards the woman, whose pregnancy and right to bear the child are apparently sacrosanct. Only the fools. I mean, for starters, if I even had one unplanned baby while on the pill, Id probably not continue to use it. Why are you standing up for mens right to bang a chick they have known two minutes without a condom and have no consequences for THEIR actions. Ive known people who thought of abortions as no big deal who opted to keep unexpected and poorly timed pregnancies, and people who thought theyd never consider an abortion but who ultimately ended up having one. Its not right Im sure I wouldnt.! It means he or she will know their father, in a sense, and will also have the opportunity to believe that their father just simply didnt want to have anything to do with them. reader, kmart+, writes (24 July 2008): A If your girlfriend complains that you never take . When he chose to bust a nut in a stranger he took on that risk. Scan this QR code to download the app now. Or, she may have seemed supportive during the relationship, but . He wants nothing to do with her OR the baby? But woman, grow the hell up. Its not that fucking hard. What happens if you get pregnant? I know, right? Because you sound about 17. That should have been the end of it. Im sorry you feel you are in the minority. He should get a damn vasectomy. Its just that all the other concepts that get us to the point of support arent gender blind yet. You have a guy who knew someone for like two seconds and jumped into bed with them. It seems like you would be even more concerned about this when sleeping with someone you are non-monogamous with. And at 40 years of age, he should know how babies are made and if he didnt want kids, maybe he should have considered getting snipped? Woman are more easily able to get custody and so are more likely to get support. And hes 28. You mean, a man shouldnt be able to decide to throw money at his child, but never once be involved whatsoever in the childs life? But you were split up for 2 months and cant bear to live without each other yet he didnt waste any time jumping into bed with someone he barely knows? . He could've at least waited a week after coming back! Putting that opinion into action with either government or private coercion is that to which we have no right. If there is no child at conception That makes her a scumbag, but it really doesnt absolve you of being the parent for that child. A guy does have every right to tell her look, Im not ready to do this. But when it comes down to it, men have *zero* say in anything having to do with the child how it is raised, where it lives, etc. Most guys with the level of responsibility that he is showing dont pay child support, anyway. Not in the 50s or 60s and maybe not as late as the 80s but today the father gets joint custody. Maybe because she wants a tie to the LWs boyfriend. Surely you know that So if you want to hate women for having child support, why dont you hate the men who skipped town. Three babies? He says he cant stand her? However, my father got primary physical placement, and my mother got 4 hours of visitation a week, and THAT is what dictated child support (or would have if she could have afforded to pay it). But, of course, this makes him an asshole. Thats not the point here. She told him she got pregnant on the pill, which I think is a lot of cod wallopBut I think shes tried to trap him and hes untrappable. I think hes an asshole for sleeping with a woman he cant stand without using a condom. and our James Felix Whether those parents planned it or not they need to be there for that kid and not just dump it becuase you feel like it. To be fair, (and Im not at all discrediting what youre saying, because it very well could be true), but no where in the letter does she mention that he did or did not use a condom. Can you blame me for feeling this way? Its not JUST about your ex-boyfriend, LW. Not long-winded just a breath of fresh air and reason after the insanity in that letter. Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. If a guy *does not* want to be a father, he shouldnt be having sex with women unless he knows, for sure, they have a similar attitude when it comes unintended pregnancy.. It isnt pertinent to the discussion. I wont go into the reasons they came to this, (very long, and quite personal, story), but its entirely possible that if a women gets pregnant and decides to keep the baby though the father would prefer she abort, he DOES have the option to waive his parental rights and duties to the child and thus not be legally responsible for child support. And if so, Im ready. ele4phant I highly doubt thats what shes doing considering shes only known him for two minutes., SweetsAndBeats lets_be_honest That was almost two years ago, and we never saw each other, spoke, or texted again. honeybeenicki Im not so sure why he isnt allowed to be angry at her decision to keep the baby. Thats certainly the type of person you want as your husband. Its a great idea, really, for someone who is unfit and probably on the verge of abuse or something else horrible. Dream about Boyfriend Got Another Girl Pregnant indicates spiritual renewal and healing. Dee S. Advocate The waiter has no idea that she has a severe allergy to peanuts, so doesnt tell the kitchen to change gloves when preparing her meal. Ugh so agree with Amanda. He had sex, she got pregnant, presumably its his, and hell provide support. I dont know if hes a bad guy or not since we only have the ex-girlfriends side of the story. The research on on-again/off-again couplesthose that break up and get back together multiple timesindicates that some of the most common reasons for getting back together with an ex include . My issue is even, at the very least, if you dont want to wear a condom.then pull out!!! He has to fit the baby into their life, not the other way around. Respect her decision. female He made his position very clear very early on. (youve already split for two months, for reasons you didnt even mention). But I just don't know anymore. lets_be_honest I think shes nothing but a little scroat. Regardless of the law which I think is enforced far more often than not it seems wrong to me to argue that men have no control over whether a child is born but are legally bound to pay child support, whereas women can end the pregnancy or put the child up for adoption. And you know, its pretty reprehensible to be calling this other woman a slew of names. she may well not be at all thrilled to be pregnant and not expecting anything from this guy. And, you are not the choice. But sometimes, we don't even realize just how painful they are until after they've happened, and the person you love . he said this is not gonna ruin us, ReginaRey Youve seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author ofThe Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages, keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit showBraxton Family Values. You need to be consistent in your line of reasoning.. So long as he isnt raping people, who are you to say he has no right to have unprotected sex? He didnt expect that to happen. There is a massive difference between wanting a pregnancy to be terminated and deciding to have nothing to do with a child who has been born. 2) A woman having an abortion is not the same as a man refusing to have anything to do with a child. Absolutely BOIL. Besides, he made that choice a long time ago when you broke up the first time. That is how we got our first kid. So while support is gender-blind, the points that get you to the question of support arent, which kind of means support isnt either. At the time, he said he would wait years for me - until he could be with me. Those double standards take up too much room. I think that one should be able to decide if one is ready to be a parent and, if not, make that clear when there is time to abort the pregnancy. Men this means condom. I blocked his number, but 2-3 weeks laterhe was calling me from his job, calling me through Facebook, and calling me from a private number. You said it better, but I jumped back in before seeing your replies. This is my first time posting on here but I really need some advice. Oh wow, that was longer than I expected. Im questioning the inherent fairness of the law today. There is no child at conception very good. And if you arent ready for a child, then use a goddamn condom.. reader, yelyah77+, writes (16 April 2009): A Thats reality. The plain truth is your boyfriend did not think about the consequences of unprotected sex (STDs anyone?) I noticed you dutifully avoided addressing that.